now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
