I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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