Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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