as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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