I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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