A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
