is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
