Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
