ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
