dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize