Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Drunk is not a location!
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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