I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
