Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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