So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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