I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i think i have two assholes
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
