Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize