We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
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