I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
