I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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