I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
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