Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
