seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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