I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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