i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
