well I can't set my house on fire every night
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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