Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize