the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Just puked most of my soul out..
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