well I can't set my house on fire every night
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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