I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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