The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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