imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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