I just cut my nipple shaving
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
