you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Gay?
German.
Pity.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
