The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
