I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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