yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
