I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
