i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
