i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
