Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize