Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize
