he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
