You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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