You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
