I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
