TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
