I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
