How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
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