she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My breasts were aching with rage.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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