Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
