thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
