I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
