Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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