Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
