It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
