Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
