hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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