I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
