I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
