When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
