are you still at the devil's house?
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
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