Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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