she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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